Ink Stains and Empty Teacups

I have returned! Lay on the fatted calf, crack open the fruit juice, write the Prime Minister etc etc.

Suffice to say, it was madness. I ask you, who goes to Torquay in January? TO A PLACE WITH NO INTERNET? My family. Of course.

Day 1

Arrived in Torquay after stopping in Stockbridge for reasons known only to Gogo.

Seen apartment and promptly switched after batting our eyelashes like Scarlett O'Hara. New digs don't look like someone stole the decor from a nursing home, so improvement.

New apartment is situated in a different part of the hotel, and as consequence, I shan't be using the elevator, as it's all a bit Adddam's Family. The thing is barely an inch taller than me and I kid you not, it's carpeted on five sides. Thing looks like a coffin, for fucks sake! Gogo and Aunt, however, find it hilarious. You can hear them giggling their tiny arses off in the shaft.

Day 2

Debenhams. We come all the way to 'The English Riviera' (the sign lies, it lies like a bloody rug!)[IN JANUARY] and our sightseeing involved Debenhams. Three times. In three days.

Day 3

Visited Buckfast Abbey. Lovely, peaceful, very Catholic. I kept expecting some fierce, hatchet-faced Benedictine monk to loom out of the masonry and urge me to repent for all my fannish ogling and for bringing the two most un-religious members of my family (Nutty Anti-God Gogo and New Age Aunt) into it's hallowed halls. 
I am this close to pulling out my cross and St Christopher to show that I do believe, even if I'm Protestant when Gogo points to the screened off chapel reserved for quiet prayer and tells me in the loudest voice possible that there are some nuns in there praying so I should be quiet. I haven't spoken a single word since we entered the church.
We leave before Gogo can start informing the nuns that religion is bollocks.

Day 4

Spend the day reading and watching movies. Fun In Acapulco is genius, and why didn't I know about Elvis movies before? New Age Aunt has decided that my passing resemblance to Ursula Andress is enough of a reason to whistle the James Bond theme tune whenever I enter a room.

Day 5

I am not getting in the car with Gogo ever again. I don't care if I have to walk to Devon next time!

Day 6

Ahh, home at last, just in time for a root canal.

Ain't life sweet?

Is there anything more embarassing in this life, barring mothers who adjust their teenage daughters busts in PUBLIC (yes, I mean you, Ma), than your elderly grandmother talking about AND OFFERING YOU HER BRA'S.

I love my grandma to pieces, I really do, but somedays I would quite happily, nay cheerily! abandon her on a very remote island all by her lonesome.

More to the point, why does she think I'll want them?